Ask me who I am. Ask me who I was. Ask me who I will be. Staring down the end of 2019 in the face I don’t have the answers to any of those questions. I feel like I’m standing between my past self and who I want to be, pulling with all my might like a strongman to unite the two parts of myself into someone I can function as right now.
I have always thought of years like a volume of books on the shelf. Pages of experiences and days lived, the good and the bad. Its an easy way for me to contain my memories and go back to them if I want to. Go grab a specific volume and fondly reminisce or throw it across the room in anger for how it treated you.Yeah we get mad at years, but it’s not their fault. Years are only markers of time. Right now I have 45 volumes sitting on my imaginary shelf—thats almost 2 complete encyclopedia sets (almost). Think about your own years lined up on the shelf. Walk up to them, trace your fingers over the years in your life. What moments stand out? The day you were married, the days your children were born. That big snowstorm. The day you lost your mother. Happy days, sad days, and all the days in between. I can go over and grab the book 1988—I was 14 and it was the year I had my first crush. I saw my first movie in an actual movie theatre that year—Big with Tom Hanks. It was also the year I broke my arm roller skating and had to wear a cast for most of the Spring and Summer. I can move over and flip open 1992 while I’m at it—that was another marker year for me. I graduated high school, went to New York City by myself on a train, and got my very first car. I can go back and remember many highlights from each year, highs and lows, but it’s the 2 books on the end I wish I never had to add to the set.
2018 and 2019 were defining years in my life. 2 years with so many challenges I had to decide everyday whether to completely give up and give in, or try my best to overcome and move forward. My heart was completely and utterly broken in 2018. Shattered. Pieces everywhere. There were days I could not get out of bed. Nothing made sense, I lost connection to everything and nothing could ground me. I had lost my will to live. There were times I was so far gone it felt like my spirit wasn’t even attached to my body any more. I was an empty shell, hovering over my day to day life that I could no longer function in. No purpose, no passion, no reason to live. Towards the end of the year I was able to begin sweeping away the pieces and slowly rebuild my life. Then 2019 happened.
2018 was the story of my emotional breakdown. 2019 saw me facing a physical breakdown. There were days this year I did not think I would physically make it though. I have been on an operating table 5 times this year. Most days it felt like I had been cast out on an island fighting to survive and to escape the next thing. I have been able to keep most of these things private until I had surgery on my eye this Fall. Some things are getting better, some things I have to watch, and there are things I’m waiting to hear about. This has not been a fun year. I repeat, this year has.not.been.fun. Some how in my heart though I know that these 2 years go together and they have to mean something. They have to. Have you ever felt that the universe just wants to take you out? Yeah, I’m with ya.
If 2018 was about my heart And 2019 was about my body Then 2020 has to be the year that both parts of me are healed. Today I am sitting on the site between decay and renovation. This new year I want to be well. I want to be whole. I want to live. I want to experience. I want to understand. I want to heal. And I want to bring you with me. I desperately want you to heal. I want nothing but happiness and wholeness and peace for you. I read a book last year that began to untie the bounds of depression in me that I never thought I could escape. I saw myself in the writing of this story. Someone was brave enough to share their experience and their pain and it resonated in me so much that I not only wanted to be well myself, but I wanted to reach out and pull up other people around me who feel like they just can’t get off the ground.
My goal for the year 2020 is to bring you along this healing process, and my greatest hope is that it would be something that can touch upon something in your life. I no longer care about pretense. Or appearances. What people may think. I will be sharing very difficult things throughout several different mediums—in my writing, in music and photography. Pain shouldn’t be for nothing. I now have several physical scars that compete with my emotional ones. You and me have had many setbacks this year, and I want us to get through it together. The scars are not just reminders, they are prompts for us to tell our story. I no longer just want to sit on my experiences if any of them at all can help bring relief to even one other person. I am wanting to attempt an in depth study of the book of Job and share it in someway. It may be through the blog, in a virtual way or if anyone is interested maybe an in person small group thing?
Call it a resolution or an intention, but 2020 must be about change. We must change the way we think about ourselves. We must change the way we think about life, and most importantly, we must change the way we see and treat our brothers and sisters around us. We cannot control what happens to us. We cannot stop the rain—we can either take shelter from it or go out and dance in it. Instead of asking why me, can we desperately pull down lessons we can learn from it? Lessons we can learn to know how to respond the next time, and lessons to teach someone else. Life happens to all of us. Period. It only takes logging online or walking down the street to see the casualties of the human experience. We can either talk about it, walk on by or we can pick up some bandages and start the healing process in someone else’s life. You may have what it takes to bring someone back from the brink! I really fail at goals. I promise to be a better version of myself only to fall back to old habits and patterns. Just giving up because I think its out of my reach. You are not out of my reach. My heart is for you. If there is any way I can help you, cheer you on. I want to be there for you this year. I know what it feels like to be completely and utterly alone. You don’t have to be. My desire is to love the unlovable. Help heal the hurt. Accept the outcast. Validate the misunderstood.
I have no idea what this year will look like. But this is my resolution. This is my heart. I have no idea what I will be doing, or where I will be. If there becomes less and less of me I have to accept it’s reason and keep moving forward. Heres to a New Year! My hope for you is healing, peace, contentment and resolution. I hope you dwell in a place where amazing is the ordinary. Leaving the former things behind, and reaching for all the new good things! I hope for myself that this desire for change is present in me everyday and I cannot wait to finally meet the man I am supposed to be. - B